Recently while watering plants on my front porch, I was amazed at the significant amount of new growth on my ivy that was trailing down the urns beside the front door. The foliage was unusually larger and prettier than the years before. This new growth had completely covered up the older smaller leaves to the point the ivy had turned brown and died underneath. So like any good plant person, I begin to remove the dead leaves. Needless to say, things got pretty messy as I begin to clean out the mounds of dried up leaves that were unseen underneath.
I am one of those weird people who can always find some sort of spiritual connection or application with almost anything. This reminded me of how this past year I have spiritually felt dried up and unnoticed.
You see, shortly after the loss of baby Abe, I was thrown into a whirlwind of pain that I had never experienced before. I could hardly compose myself without tears streaming down my face. Between the shock of losing a child at nearly 20 weeks and experiencing an unexplainable circumstance in my ministry, it was more than my mind could process or keep up with. I was so overwhelmed and grief-stricken. It was causing me to become physically ill. I begin to experience a stabbing pain in the left side of my neck, my blood pressure went through the roof and my heart begin to race. After the extreme dizziness set in, I finally sought medical attention. And yes…as suspected all of these symptoms were considered a result from my recent circumstances.
This storm was dark and lonely. My soul was in despair and I was desperate for My Deliverer.
Since it was getting serious, it was time to call the “Church Lady” into action. You’ve probably heard me talk about “her” before. You know, the cover-up. Her idea of “putting on your boot straps” include a high fashion mask, bible in hand, plastic smile, high heel shoes (with all the matching accessories) and of course the famous “church nod” assuring those around her that she is A-OK.
So I gave it the “old college try”. I put on my high heel shoes and begin to pressure myself to “get well” and “get over” this.
I became more frustrated. I knew that there was a process but I did not want to walk through it. I was looking for an easy button. You cannot ignore pain and grief. I was so mad at myself. I was not supposed to feel this way. Why couldn’t I just snap out of this? After all, I have personally experienced the deliverance of God, the peace of God and the supernatural power to stand when the world says I should fall. What was so different this time?
Obviously some “dried up leaves” were piling up. Things were about to get messy. Real messy…and there was absolutely nothing the “Church Lady” could do about it.
“But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31